One month discoveries

You can read everything on the subject, but you’ll always be surprised by your own experience with sobriety. Like most things, your own experience is the only way you’ll truly understand.

It has been one month.
I still feel relieved.
It had gone so far, relief is the most honest word I can muster.

What I’m learning is that, so many aspects of my personality I had bunched together with drinking. I keep getting caught displaying my carelessness and I find myself saying: “But I’m sober now – this can’t be”. Well, Jane Bare, this is a large part of your personality and always has been, don’t you remember? You disguised it for so many years, but it was always under there.

Remember your teacher writing a letter home about your messy desk? All the report cards, with good grades but notes about putting a little more care into your work? The passion was always there, the enthusiasm, but none of it was ever tidy. One of your first employment reviews, applauded so many aspects of your job performance, but asked that you take your time – as you have a tendency to be a bit of a clutz.

I had forgotten I wore this badge.
I’m nervous but I’m excited to learn more about this part of me. Like most things related to sobriety.

A physical issue I’m having, one month in, is all the tension in my jaw. It’s causing me headaches. All I can find online are similar symptoms from people like me, but nothing official from any sort of doctor or sobriety website – with suggestions on how to relieve it. I guess I’ll have to do it the old fashioned way and ask my family doctor.

That’s all for now.
xoxo

Aimless

Everything is becoming clearer.
Yet.
On this particular day, I’m filled to the brim with shame.

Still going

I’m still going strong, feeling as though this is deceivingly easy.
The kind of confidence Augusten Burroughs has in his book Dry, right before he walks into a liquor store and relapses for ten months.
This is why it’s deceiving.

Nothing about this drug is upfront.
Nothing about how my brain thinks about it and reacts to it is obvious. It’s all very sneaky. So I will treat it as such.

I still feel like my brain can blackout on it’s own volition – without drinking – and start doing things without me knowing.

I’m highly emotional, quick to anger some days. Fine other days. Nervous, and guilty some days. A bit obsessive and anxious about my relationship. Nothing I can fix overnight, just as time passes.

I watched a home movie my brother took  last month when we went to a fair with my nieces. It was hard to watch. It was before the blow-up, but on a day that he later told me he was angry with me. I’m so clueless. Smiling, having a good time. He is too, but he’s not right. He’s upset. I feel like I’ve been this way our whole relationship. 18 months of smiling away, clueless, upsetting him at every turn.

It felt like a way bigger thing, while watching this movie. Like, we have so much to repair, and my 3 weeks of sobriety is barely doing anything at this point.

It made me feel stupid.

But on the other hand, I’m still proud.

I read Dry in 2 days. My favourite line was when he spoke about whether or not he was upset his friend was dying. He says “I have an alcoholics sense of denial, so I was in pretty good shape”. We are shaped by our experiences with alcohol. And I’d like to learn what I’ve learned over all these years.

It will just take time, now.

 

 

 

 

Fear

I am so full of fear.

Jason Vale says that the only thing booze actually does, is mute our natural fears.
Is the temporary lack of fear worth the next days exaggerated fear and anxiety?

As it turns out, I really really need my natural fears.

Cocaine gives you energy and confidence but the next day you become the laziest most useless human known to man. That’s your trade-off.

I have quit drinking and yet, my fear remains.

I fear the ability to control my own actions because, so often, I couldn’t.
I fear the things I’ll say and do, even though I am fully conscious all the time.
I fear going out, for the money I’ll spend, knowing very well I’m not drinking.
I fear for my health, even though my eyes get clearer everyday.

I do not fear, that I’ll drink again.
I am certain of that, I think.

Perhaps this will fear will dissipate in the coming weeks.
I’ll let you know.

Hemingway

The world breaks everyone. And afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills.

“I don’t drink anymore”

I’ve been practicing saying that all week.
There’s something so definite about it, which I like. And it feels honest, right now.

Re:last post.
He left me.
That month of sobriety turned into having one sometimes, with friends, so  as to not raise red flags. Then summer came, and parties and festivals and patios and that 1 turned into many.
Then one drunk fight later, he left me.

It was the most severe pain, only comparable to losing the love of my life in an accident 6 years earlier. Only this time, it was my fault, and he was still walking on this earth, only not with me any longer.

I hurt him repeatedly. So he chose to end our relationship.

It was time.
And I knew it.
I finished reading Quit the Drink, Easily by Jason Vale.
By far, the BEST book I’ve ever read on quitting drinking. He changed my entire perception. I quit enthusiastically and without resentment and for myself. I am not looking back.

That’s not to say it won’t be difficult, but I trust it. I trust his method.

2 days ago he took me back.

My heart is still in pieces, but it’s rebuilding.
And I’m so very very excited to learn what it’s like to live a life without being a slave to an all-consuming drug.

I look forward to the day when I can say those words, I don’t drink anymore.

I look forward to telling you more in this blog, without waiting two years because I’ve failed.

Xoxox